9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
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Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets