HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
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ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.