I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
You Might Also Like
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot