wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
You Might Also Like
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
how much for the angry fruit?
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
No selfies while hijacking a train.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Breaking news:
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.