My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
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you gotta be faster
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
So the ex texted me
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
sigh
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.