Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
You Might Also Like
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
This hospital has everything
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.