ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
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Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!