It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
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This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey