If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
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Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Growing up was a huge mistake
That lamp looks PISSED.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.