“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
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Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
This made me smile…
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.