My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
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I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.