Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
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*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
New favorite tiktok
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
jesus christ confetti not now
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Got him!
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.