Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
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Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.