Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
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Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Day 2 of my diet
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.