My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
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i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?