Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
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Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I bet
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Velcrow
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping