DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
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One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
それは草
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
My daily affirmation
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.