Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
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EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
🚲+physics = winner
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish