I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
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[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…