My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
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Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
the battle rages on
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
mentally somewhere in italy
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!