Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
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As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.