Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Match dot com, but for socks.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?