My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids