– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
You Might Also Like
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
see you in hell you stupid fruit
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.