*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
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Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.