We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
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me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
felt cute might bury dad later idk
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?