Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
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The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.