As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
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Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?