Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
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I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
sin harder.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman