Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
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“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Sign of the day..
peep davidson
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going