When you let grandma cat sit
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*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
kids play hide and seek like
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)