My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
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“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
i dont have time for this
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.