[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
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teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.