My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
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I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
ok what if you鈥檙e in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
[overheard at a 7 year old鈥檚 birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 馃槻
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
鈥楽up.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 馃槥
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Meat Cute
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I鈥檒l come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing