Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
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A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
The first matador
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter