Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
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What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.