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(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Tremendous stuff
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
lmfao