2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
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A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
I am crying
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.