After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
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*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
If only
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.