*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
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I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re