Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
You Might Also Like
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so