Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
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me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Many hands make light work
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
The sacred texts.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff