friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
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a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
who called it hell and not heaven’t
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.