Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
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*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”