So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
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I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
What
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Growing out my freckles.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE