Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
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HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
man i love columbo
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems