I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
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Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Lmao the reply
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Potatoes were such a good idea
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food