If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
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BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
yea so i messed up lol
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.