Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
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Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her