[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
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If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
#oldknees
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Every work meeting this week